*Ding* You’ve just gotten an email and it does not sound polite at all. Actually, it is so unpolite that it is really upsetting. First instinct is of course to respond and make your points known in the same language and attitude of the email you received. But what if it was not intended to be rude?
By Montanna Owens Responding to upsetting emails is as simple as 1,2,3.
What to do when you receive an upsetting email
We have all been there and done that. We want to know how to compose an appropriate response to an upsetting email. In most cases we all would have responded to the upsetting email with our initial impulses – which would probably have been to answer with some rudeness of our own. Or else to send the rude email straight to the Trash folder. But in the end, we have to respond to our work emails, right? You do have the choice to write a response now or later – and we recommend later. Here’s why.
Did you read the email carefully? More than once?
When a work email arrives in your inbox it is already being subjected to our interpretation of the contents depending on our own mood. In most cases we can also understand the mood of the sender based on the words, punctuation and greeting they give. Working relationship and dynamic also plays a role in how we receive emails that seem especially off-putting. So, re-reading can also help us know if we are taking our professional work emails too personally.
After reading an upsetting email it is good to acknowledge how it makes you feel. A good rule of thumb would be to readtheemailcarefully and thoroughly. Takingabreak and coming back to read the email again gives you a freshperspective on the contents, tone and intended meaning of the email. This can also keep us from responding too early without really understanding how the email may have been meant.
Wait! Before you send that response email
Similarly, giving yourself some space from the email and the contents of it can help refresh your mind. Giving yourself space looks different for everyone. For some it is a stroll around the office and for others it is a quick chit-chat with your office best friend about things not related to that rude email. Even a nice coffee break in your favorite chill spot is a space moment.
Taking 10 or even 30 minutes to reset, calm, and combat frustration in your own way will give you the fuel to create an email that effectively represents your positioning. Coming across in your response email as calm, observant, and not rude can be the ultimate winner move against those upsetting emails.
How to start your constructive reply email
We know there are negative emotions especially after receiving such an email. You’re in luck, in a professional setting there is in fact a way to address these emotions without retaliating against the recipient. This can be done by asking yourself “What is the most constructive way to move the issue forward?” After all, your goal at work is to get the job done, not to start a beef with your coworker that will slow you down and potentially end up just making you look bad.
Demonstrating empathy and professionalism, on the other hand, can help defuse negativity and bring about a faster resolution. So it’s best not to ignore or dismiss any concerns mentioned by the sender, but rather to acknowledge them briefly before moving onto offering specific suggestions for solving the problem.
Examples of opening lines for your response:
“I apologize that our encounter was not favorable…”
“I apologize for the tardiness in responding to your inquiry”
“I understand your frustration… I also have concerns with…”
“I appreciate you taking the time to bring this to my attention. I also would like to discuss…”
Pro tip: When you receive an email from an upset colleague, client, or boss, take a moment to reflect on whether their complaints are justified – and you might even be in the wrong. If so, a well-worded apology can go a long way in restoring your working relationship and rebuilding trust. And if you’d like some help crafting a professional apology email, see our deep dive: How to write an apology email
Passive-aggressive emails
But what if the email that upset you was not rude – in fact, the wording was extremely polite? In fact, the overly polite phrasing made you suspect that the sender was being insincere or even sarcastic?
When a non-rude work email still leaves you with a sense of unease, you may have just received a passive-aggressive email. In everyday terms, we often use the term “passive-aggressive” when a communication conveys a negative meaning without using directly angry or confrontational language. So, a work email where criticism or frustration are masked by over-the-top formality or expressions of concern might be considered passive-aggressive.
Feeling unsure about the sender’s true intentions can make a work email tricky to navigate. After all, who can tell if messages like these are passive-aggressive or genuine:
Examples of passive aggressive work emails:
As I mentioned earlier, we would appreciate your response as soon as possible.
Per my previous email, I believe the question has already been addressed.
Just circling back on this – let me know if it’s still on your radar!
I see that you are very busy – please let me know if the original deadline is no longer feasible.
I had understood that the task was already completed – please advise.
If a potentially passive-aggressive email has you fuming, this is another clear case for taking a moment to clear your head. Then you can approach the situation oh-so-calmly and get to the bottom of any misunderstandings.
Responding to passive aggressive emails professionally
When replying to work emails, your goal should always be productive communication. So even if an email feels passive aggressive to you, it’s important to avoid mirroring the perceived snarky tone – that would just escalate tensions. Instead, focus on clearing up any ambiguities, addressing concerns directly, and moving toward a constructive resolution.
In other words, even if you feel like you are getting a whiff of negativity, it’s best to simply ignore it for now. Instead, try to directly and courteously address the concern stated in the email.
Here are some professional ways you could reply to the passive-aggressive emails above:
As I mentioned earlier, we would appreciate your response as soon as possible. Reply: Thank you for following up and for your patience! The information you requested is attached. Please let me know if anything further is required.
Per my previous email, I believe the question has already been addressed. Reply: Thank you for pointing that out! I’m afraid I may have misunderstood. Could you clarify (specific point) to ensure that we are aligned moving forward?
Just circling back on this – let me know if it’s still on your radar! Reply: Thank you for the reminder! I have been working on (specific task) and will give you a status update by (specific time). Please let me know if the information is needed sooner.
I see that you are very busy – please let me know if the original deadline is no longer feasible. Reply: I appreciate your understanding! I am working on (specific task) and am looking to meet the deadline as planned. If any adjustments to the timeline are needed, I’ll be sure to inform you promptly.
I had understood that the issue was already resolved – please advise. Reply: I apologize for any confusion. I am currently addressing (specific issue) and will give you an update by (specific time). I appreciate your patience.
Always read before you send!
Now that you have taken the time to re-read the upsetting email and override the impulse to shoot off an angry reply, are you ready to send your calm, observant, non-rude email that clearly represents your positioning?
If you are worried about hitting the right note with an important client or supervisor, you can take the time to write more than one email draft and choose which of them sounds the most polite while addressing the concerns from the email and coming up with a feasible solutions for those concerns. Once you have drafted a response you are happy with, give yourself another breather, then come back and reread the message one last time before you hit Send.
Professional email language
Even though we are calm at this point after re-reading and giving ourselves some space, there is the aspect of the language that we choose to use once we respond.
Remember, the ideal professional email response should prioritize addressingconcernsandofferingsolutions, not focusing on how the original email made you feel. Here is an example to get you started:
Professional email response example:
Hi Karen,
I hope this email finds you well.
Thank you very much for bringing these concerns to my attention. I apologize for the tardiness in responding to your inquiry.
I understand your frustration about the shipping restructure, and I also have some concerns with the processes that are outlined in your previous email. After taking into consideration your suggestions and doing field evaluations I think I have found a new process that would be favorable for the both of us.
These possible solutions and their full descriptions are attached to this email. I would like to have a meeting to discuss this further - when are you free?
Thanks for the email!
Best regards,
Ron
Communicating electronically in a professional setting with work emails, work chats and other modes can be a tricky task to understand the hidden or obvious meaning within these communications. Nevertheless, some emails are indeed upsetting and now we know how to deal with them!
By staying courteous and addressing the underlying matter rather than matching an angry or passive-aggressive tone, you can move the conversation forward and maintain a positive working relationship.
We hope this article helped you decide on the best way to handle responding to upsetting work emails! We look forward to your feedback – and if you still don’t have a mail.com account, why not sign up for free today?
This article first appeared on September 5, 2022, and was updated on November 22, 2024.
