Are we taking work emails too personally? How not to be offended

Disrespect or unintended meaning?

There is actually a scientific phrase for “assuming the worst” – it’s called “negative intensification bias.” In other words, there is a very human tendency to read non-existent negative intent into communications, or to blow any slight negativity out of proportion.

In 2020, researchers looked at how this bias impacts our email communications at work. Given that the average office worker receives at least 200 emails per day, maybe it’s not surprising that the majority say they sometimes receive negative emails. But how much of that negativity is simply in the eye of the beholder?

Polite wording not always the key

In the study, almost 300 employees who use email regularly provided the scientists with an example of a work email that had caused them to feel negative emotions. But when the researchers asked objective observers to look at the same messages, they were much less likely to rate them as negative.

So, what caused the recipients in the study to view the emails as negative? Obviously, a message containing a personal insult or an F-bomb does not make anyone feel great, but many of the emails that the employees read as negative were, objectively speaking, extremely polite – “We acknowledge that our request has a very short timeline and certainly appreciate that you are very busy.”

Workplace dynamics color our perception

If it’s not an openly hostile message that’s causing a negative interpretation, what is the problem? The study found that the corporate culture of the organization and the relative power of the sender and recipient could be more important than the actual wording. If negative communications were the norm in the company, then a civil message was more likely to be seen as negative. And if the email sender was above the recipient in the company hierarchy, a negative feeling was also more common.

This brings us back to a usual problem of electronic communication – the lack of face-to-face contact. There is no way to pick up on nuances of tone and expression or clear up misunderstandings as they happen. So, when reading their emails, the employees drew on other clues like the general mood in the company or their own lower status. When it was possible to read an email in different ways, this led them to a more negative conclusion than an outsider would have drawn.
 

How to avoid being offended by coworkers

It seems like the best solution to the challenge of email misunderstandings is some common-sense advice: Give your coworkers the benefit of the doubt. Even a writer who is aware of the pitfalls of email communication might still overlook a potential cause of offense. And sometimes they might just be in a hurry to get through their work emails so they won’t be late picking up their kids. Try to read the email impartially instead of reading things into it.

If you still feel disrespected, however, it’s always better to start a conversation (in person if possible) and ask for clarification than to fire off an angry reply. Instead of making accusations, tell them how their message came across and see what they have to say: “I was surprised by how you phrased your feedback…” Keep reading to learn more.

Polite ways to ask for clarification 

When we are offended by a work email, our first instinct may be to reply rudely or passive-aggressively because we don’t know how to respond to a negative email. However, this will only escalate tensions further and may cause irreparable damage to our relationships with our colleagues. Instead, it’s important to not assume the worst of the sender. It isn’t unlikely that your co-worker didn’t realize their email would come off as disrespectful because what we perceive as rude is largely subjective. So, why not give them a chance to explain themselves and hash things out in person?

When addressing your co-worker face-to-face about the email, it's important to remain calm, polite, and open to understanding their perspective. Here are a few polite ways to ask for clarification in person:

• "Hello [Co-worker's Name], I was hoping we could talk about the email you sent. I think there might have been a misunderstanding, and I'd like to get your perspective on it."
• “Hi [Co-worker’s Name], do you have a few minutes to talk? I received your email and felt that some parts were quite direct. I’d like to hear your side of things and see if we can clear up any misunderstandings.”
• "Hey [Co-worker's Name], I wanted to chat about your email from earlier. It seemed a bit strong, and I'm hoping you can help me understand where you're coming from. Can we talk about it?"

If having a conversation in person is not possible, check out our article on how to respond to work emails that upset you for more advice on how to phrase your response professionally.

Make the intent of your emails clear

Since we don’t like receiving negative emails ourselves, it’s only fair to expect that others don’t like receiving them either. While there may be no bad intentions behind your email, others can’t always tell what your intentions really are. Therefore, it’s important to be careful when writing a work email to make sure that it remains as professional and positive in tone as possible. It will not only ensure you remain on good terms with your co-workers but will also make your life easier and conflict-free.
 
We hope this post will help you avoid email understandings at work. We look forward to your feedback below! And if you still don’t have an email account with mail.com, why not sign up for free today?

This article first appeared on March 27, 2022, and was updated August 8, 2024.

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